While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize