I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
