Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize