'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
