I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
