What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
