it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
