So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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