ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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