I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
