I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
