Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
