Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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