Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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