he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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