I like my sex mixed with concussions.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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