I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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