I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
