I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
