so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
