sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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