I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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