see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
