i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
