sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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