I have demons in me.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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