I will die if light touches me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
