Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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