She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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