Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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