The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
