Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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