...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
