My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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