I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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