So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
