I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
