a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
