When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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