please come you make the beer taste better
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
