If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
