Are we in a gay sports bar?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
we're so committed to being not committed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
