I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
someone owes me an orgasm
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
