I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
