Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
