he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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