My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
