Don't make out with my wife yet
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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