my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
