he told me I talked like a deaf person
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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