can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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