I only kidnapped one of them. chill
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
