i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
this is an emotional support booty call
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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