I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
