So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
