Your face is a jimmy john
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
