I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize