My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize