I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
