They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
