You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
