i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
