Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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