She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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