If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
