Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Randomize
